Reflections of a 73-year-old grandmother

Sitting on the patio of her adobe home in Phoenix, Arizona, sipping on an ice-cold sweet tea, Linda Law relives her challenging upbringing, one filled with judgement, shame and confusion. Law is now 73-years-old, a mother, grandmother and wife. She proudly shows off her wedding ring, which matches her wife’s, Marsha Heitzman. This past November, Law and Heitzman gathered with all of their closest family and friends to exchange their vows in their Colorado home.

In their living room on a chilly November evening, they promised to love one another for a lifetime, and rejoiced on how beautiful it was to want to get married after already spending decades committed to loving each other.They chose their wedding rings to match–bands of silver with two gold gems in the middle, to resemble the two always being there for another, Law said.

Living as a lesbian in the ‘50s was a life of ups and downs. Law now lives quaintly in a Colorado home with her partner of 30 years, wife of six months, and best friend. Law recalls the events of her upbringing that shaped her world today.

“The era of Vietnam, with people going to war, was very confusing. I thought, ‘If I get married then these feelings will go away,’” said Law. “My fiancé said to me, “I think you love her more than you love me,” and I’m thinking, “That’s ridiculous… but I do. This person evoked more emotion in me than I had ever felt.”

After marrying Doug Law, they got pregnant with their first child, Kristin. While pregnant, Doug was deployed for Vietnam and when he returned home from war, the two decided to live separately. Seven years later, they got a divorce due to Doug wanting to remarry to his current wife, Carol.

Law grew up in a small town of Upstate New York with her mother, father and half-sister. “My mother must’ve known [that I was gay] but she didn’t like it. She tried to throw it in my face in an attempt to ‘correct my behavior’ and to control my feelings,” said Law. “Being gay isn’t a choice; you either are or you aren’t. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t have chosen a harder life for myself.

“I wanted to go to college, get married and have kids, just like everyone else. I was always looking forward to adventure, I never envisioned myself staying in one spot,” said Law. “When I was [younger], I went to Chicago, and they had gay bars. Police would do raids and if they caught you, they would put your name in the newspaper. Many people got fired for being gay. Imagine being fired, not for your incompetency, but for being who you are.

Law said she and her mother had a difficult relationship, at times. When she was 25 years old her mother confronted her. Law recalls being in California and living with her current girlfriend. Her mother called her and said, “I know you’re coming home and bringing this woman with you, because you’re a lesbian, so I don’t want you to come home. I know you’re gay and I’ve always known and I hate that you are.

“My father was a man of total denial,” said Law. “I went home and my mom was drinking and taking pills. She said to me, ‘I know you’re gay, I’ve known all along and I hate what you are,’ and then she started throwing pills in her mouth one after another, chasing it down with rum and coke. I tried to reach my hand into her mouth to get them out and she bit down on my hand so hard, she was trying to bite my fingers off. She looked up at me and smiled while she was doing this–Telling this story makes me want to throw up, I’m sorry.

“My dad instructed us it was time for supper, but I knew that this was a critical situation, there were so many drugs, I didn’t even know what she had taken. I called 911 and as they were loading her onto the stretcher, I was frantically packing my bags.”

Once they got to the hospital, Law said that her mom was arrested. She was waiting around for the doctor, when he finally came out he asked, “Do you have any idea why your mom would want to take her own life?”

“I said, ‘Well, she can’t handle my sexuality, I’m gay.’ The doctor looked at me and said, ‘Obviously, we have the wrong person in the psychiatric ward here, you should be the one locked up.’”

Pausing in her story, Law sat teary eyed yet composed. She said while putting words to her history was hard to do, it was a story worth telling.

“Before leaving the hospital I went by my mother’s room. I told her I was leaving but she wanted me to stay. I said to her, ‘I love you and I hope you can get through this but you’re going to have to do it on your own because I’m not staying. If you live or die, that’s up to you, it’s not up to me.

“And I walked out…This was a really defining moment in my life,” said Law.

“My happiest moment of being gay, and my life in general, was getting married. Finally being able to get married, now I am comforted that nobody can take away the life we’ve made together,” said Law. “Even in my strict Republican community [in Arizona], Marsha and I getting married has almost made people more okay with it. It’s like we are one with the tribe.“

Since being married, Law said that her fear for basic needs being neglected has gone away. Now she and her wife can legally make life and death decisions about each other. Law, along with many others in the LGBT community, was able to love before, she was never blessed with marriage.

“What I have learned is that everyone wants to be loved and accepted,” said Law. “It’s better to be kind than it is to be right. There are philosophies to remember and live by.”